Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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