So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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