I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just took my morning after pill in the library
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
