Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
