if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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