Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
