im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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