Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
