i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
