I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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