I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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