Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she told me i tasted like america
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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