the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
