That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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