I cannot find my penis.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
