Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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