just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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