i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
