A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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