life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
