Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
