so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
