Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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