did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
