we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
