gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
