Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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