Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
