Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
