We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
