Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
