I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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