I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
