I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
