i used baking grease as lip gloss
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
