hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize