it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
