The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
