my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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