i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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