Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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