they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
