I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
