I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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