kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
