You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's never too late to be topless.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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