please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
