I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
