Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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