Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you had me at cake vodka
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize