Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I need to calm my uterus...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
