I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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