My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Randomize
