Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize