I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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