Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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