WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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