He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
