If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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