wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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