8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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