mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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