the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
